roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
