we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
