The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i out mim tonsoeep
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
