No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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