I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
