I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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