I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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