I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
