I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
