Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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