I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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