i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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