Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
