She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
