Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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