why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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