I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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