never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
