yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
