i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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