i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
