do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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