Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
