she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
