I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
