Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
