she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
