I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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