You smell like a Billy Joel song
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
