i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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