just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
