overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
