Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
