So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
