my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
