apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize