So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
