If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
