I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
