also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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