God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
