3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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