wat bout pragnant strippers??
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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