I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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