oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
