I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
