I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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