I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
