is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
