How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize