I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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