I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize