I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
