Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
