She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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