Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
