mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Life is so much better after having sex.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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