I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
