I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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