I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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