I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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